WunderWand
by BajaB
Summary: Argus Filch receives mail that makes him more excited than a signed 'Permission to Whip Students' form: The Wunderwand, from the makers of Kwikspell. Oneshot set before the Goblet of Fire.


Disclaimer: The Harry Potter universe and all related materials are the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers. I am in no way affiliated with JKR or Warner Brothers, and use their materials without their permission or knowledge.

**The WunderWand.**

It roamed the corridors of Hogwarts, silently hunting its prey. Invisibly, it skirted up staircases and through doors. Students, intent on their own purposes, did not feel it float silently past. 

Occasionally it was tempted to deviate from its path by batches of innocent first years, but it managed to stay focussed; its target was worth much more than the terrified screams of a few young children.

Eventually it arrived where its victim was hiding. 

"BOOOOO!" screamed Peeves, turning visible and wrenching the door of the cupboard open.

Inside were two students, a boy and a girl. At Peeves' shout, the girl screamed and leapt away so fast that the boy fell over; knocking over the mops and brooms that normally had the cupboard to themselves.

"FOUND YOU!" cackled Peeves loudly.

The girl turned bright red and ran from the cupboard covering her face with her hands. The boy was trying to get up, but he kept tripping over the brooms entangling his legs.

"Penelope wait!" he shouted.

Peeves, the poltergeist of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, laughed hysterically and flew off to pursue the girl all the way back to her dorm. The whole time he made rude kissing noises and was calling "Kiss, Kiss, sweetie. Come on give us a kiss!" to the girl, while she howled tears of embarrassment as she ran.

Barred entry to the dorm by a spell, Peeves returned to where he had seen the first years, and started pelting them with bits of rubbish from a bin. Eventually he was driven off by one of the professors, and went looking for other mischief.

Mischief was Peeves's main purpose in life, if you could call him alive.

The ghosts avoided him, the students were wary of him, and the professors ignored him, when they could. Almost everybody was a victim of one of his pranks at one time or another, and usually nobody wanted to incite him or to attract too much attention while he was around.

He was busily arranging two suits of armour into a compromising position, and was happily singing a ditty about a lumberjack who couldn't hack it (and so was given the axe), when something unexpected happened. Somebody whispered his name.

"Pssst, Peeves," said the voice, "come over here."

Startled, Peeves turned around looking for the source of the voice.

"Who's there?" he asked, slightly worried, but intrigued. Few ever sought out his company for anything.

A short distance down the hallway, a large tapestry lifted away from the wall, and a hand poked out to beckon him.

"Over here," said the owner of the hand. "Come over here, quickly!"

Sensing mischief afoot, Peeves abandoned his amorous armour sculpture and flew to the passage behind the tapestry. Two red headed boys stood there waiting for him.

"Hello, Peeves," said Fred and George Weasley together.

"Oooh, it's the wonderfully wicked Weasleys!" laughed Peeves excitedly.

Had Peeves been capable of it, he would have had respect for the two boys that now stood, smiling in front of him. In the few short years they had been going to Hogwarts, they had almost managed to rival him for causing trouble. While other boys of their age were shortening bed sheets or propping pails of water above doors, the Weasleys were turning rats into toothbrushes that changed back at the most inconvenient times.

"SSSSHHHSSS," said George, holding a finger over his mouth. "We've got another mission for you."

Argus Filch was, according to every student, a nasty piece of work.

Born to wizarding parents, but without a single magical bone in his body, he despised the students that filled the halls of his sacred college. They left rubbish inside suits of armour, spilled food in the hallways, broke things, and, worst of all, they made noise.

As the caretaker, it was his responsibility to keep Hogwarts clean and tidy, but the students seemed to conspire to turn the ancient buildings and magnificent surrounds into a seething cesspit.

Oh how he longed to hang a few of them up by their fancy magical toes and whip some respect into their buttocks.

At the moment, Filch was doing his regular night time patrol of the corridors. Students were not allowed out of bed at night, but somebody had been here recently. His cat, Mrs Norris, purred and wound her ways through his legs.

"Who is it my sweet?" he asked the dust-coloured creature. Its bulging eyes stared up at him and she meowed loudly.

"Is it a student then?" he said, hopefully holding his lamp up to better view the corridor.

He could see nothing, but he could hear a faint noise in the distance. Quickly he walked to a large landscape painting hanging on a wall nearby, and gripped it by one edge. With barely a pull, the painting slid sideways revealing an alcove.

Covering the lantern, Filch stepped into the alcove and pulled the painting closed behind him. Mrs Norris chose to stay outside in the hallway.

Inside the dark alcove, Filch felt along the wall until he found a small latched door. Unhooking it revealed two eyeholes which he pushed his face up against, and then he grinned evilly.

Through the spy hole he could see a little man with wicked, dark eyes and a wide mouth. It was Peeves, and he was stacking chairs from the classroom into a dangerously swaying pyramid.

There was an odd glow coming from a bucket sitting next to the chairs. Evidently, he intended on putting the bucket on top once all the chairs were arranged to his satisfaction. No doubt the first person who came too close would end up covered in whatever it was that glowed menacingly in the bucket.

Filch grumbled to himself angrily. Worse than all the students was Peeves, constantly making a mess and destroying valuable property. Filch would have taken a class full of brats over that malicious poltergeist any day

"PEEVES!" he yelled through the holes. "I CAN SEE WHAT ARE DOING!"

Startled by the unexpected yell, Peeves dropped the chair he was placing. It fell, knocking the whole unstable structure down with a crash.

Filch's evil laugh was cut off as a bucket of glowing green goo splashed against the wall, spilling through the eyeholes and soaking his face.

Much later, Filch returned to his dingy, windowless office. The light from a single oil lamp, dangling from the low ceiling, cast a dull gloom over his desk and chair. Cleaning the mess Peeves had left had taken most of the night and Filch was feeling extremely grumpy as well as bone dead tired.

Taking a form from one of the many filing cabinets lining the walls, he sat on the threadbare chair behind the desk, and prepared to write his report. With any luck he would have accumulated enough evidence of Peeve's wrong doings to finally have Peeves evicted once and for all.

Then Filch noticed in the middle of his desk there was a large, glossy, purple envelope with silver lettering on the front. 

Grunting with surprise he narrowed his eyes suspiciously and picked up the envelope. On the front, in curly silver writing, were the words _WunderWand – From the makers of kwikspell (A Correspondence Course in Beginners' Magic)_.

Years before Filch had paid good galleons for the kwikspell course. It had promised to give him the magical powers he had been denied at birth, but it never worked.

Having no magical ability, but being stuck in a magical world, was a torment like no other. The grimly little gits that wandered the corridors of Hogwarts had no idea how lucky they were, and they took everything for granted.

With a wave of a wand they could clean up messes that took Filch hours to do with a mop and bucket. Got a nasty ghoul lurking in a toilet?, just wave the wand again and no more problem.

It wasn't fair.

Filch had decided to get his own back on them though. Every detention became an education in doing things the hard way. All the nastiest, most menial jobs were kept for the students who misbehaved enough for one of the professors to punish in a way much more memorable than taking a few house points.

They all spent quality time with Filch.

He picked up the envelope and emptied it onto his desk. Several large, green parchments fell out. 

Intrigued in spite of himself, Filch unfolded the parchments and read.

**_WunderWand_**

_The most amazing invention in a hundred years!_

Sick and tired of looking like a squib?

Want to really perform magic but don't have ANY ability?

Now you CAN!

Filch grunted. It was more of the fail safe, quick result garbage they had used to hook him into the kwikspell course to begin with.

_The WunderWand is a specially enchanted wand that will perform the magic for you!_

**YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE ANY MAGICAL ABILITY AT ALL!**

Filch blinked in surprise and reread that last line again, then a third time just to be sure.

_"I was actually a muggle until I bought the WunderWand," _said Wade Fryelse from Vermont. _"Now I look like the real thing!"_

There were several more testimonials, each more extreme in their claims.

_"I got my job at the ministry based on my ability at confounding," _wrote Seewoe Greylag. _"Luckily I had bought that spell with my WunderWand. Now I barely have to do any real work."_

As he read, Filch didn't notice he was becoming more and more excited. By the time he got to the last page he was almost frothing at the mouth.

_Order your WunderWand now and receive one extra spell in addition to the basic Wingardium Leviosa levitation spell, FREE OF CHARGE!_

That's right! Order now and, as a special offer to our existing customers, you will get your choice of one of the following abilities AT NO CHARGE!

Reparo – Fix all those things that have been hanging around broken for years!  
Scourgify – Clean up those messes instantly. No more back breaking labour!  
Protego – Protect yourself from harmful hexes and curses!  
Legilimens – Know what people are thinking!  
Expelliarmus – Disarm your opponents!  
Finite Incantatem – Stop any spell!  
Riddikulus – Get rid of that bothersome Boggart once and for all!  
Waddiwasi – Put an end to that annoying poltergeist!

The list went on, but Filch's eyes stopped on that one.

_Put an end to that annoying poltergeist!_

He read again.

_Put an end to that poltergeist!_

A smile curled Filch's lip.

_Put an end to Peeves!_

For the next few minutes Filch sat still, holding the parchment in front of him, but not reading it. He had a faraway look in his eyes, dreaming of a world where he could do magic; a world without Peeves.

Suddenly he came alive and rustled through the pages of testimonials and spells until he held the order form in his hand. Grabbing a battered old quill from his drawer, he filled out all the sections until he got to the price calculation.

The total nearly made him change his mind.

After an agonising hour, he went back over the order form and crossed out all the optional spells until only the free one remained.

The final choice on the form was the style of wand. Ignoring the specialist wands such as "Top Hat Magician", and the mediocre ones like "HP replica", Filch selected the one called the "Dark Mark Defender". It was described as a nearly black wand, 18 inches long, Jarrah, with a Basilisk skin core – Very powerful, in the right hands.

The next few days passed so slowly for Filch, that he even checked the massive clock in the courtyard was working. He was in a better mood than anybody could remember, even the students. That didn't mean he was any less vigilant, but his punishments were considerably less than their usual high standard of depravity.

Finally a packaged arrived.

Containing his excitement just long enough to carry the finely wrapped box into his room, Filch tore the packing eagerly until a long cardboard box lay on the desk in front of him.

Almost reverently, he opened the lid to look at the wand that lay inside - and immediately his face contorted in apparent pain.

Instead of the sleek black wand he had been expecting, there was a brightly coloured stick that had a star mounted on the end. Filch picked up the wand and turned its bright pink, sparkling length in his hands.

Confusion, anger, and disgust, fought inside him for a chance to get out.

Under the wand there was a letter.

_Dear Argus Filch,_

Due to an unexpected run on the Wand you selected, we have run out of stock! Rather than making you wait, we have sent you this complementary substitute so that you can get casting as soon as possible.  
Once stocks of your selected wand arrive, we will dispatch it to you by urgent owl.  
We apologise for the delay and any inconvenience it may cause.

Sincerely

Greg A. Deferdon  
Inventory Manager  
WunderWand Inc.  
(A division of kwikspell)

Filch crushed the letter, his other hand still gripping the ridiculous wand. Snarling savagely he threw it down onto the desk.

Immediately several drawers burst open and pages flew out of them.

Filch leapt back, crashing into the door behind him. He first thought was that Peeves had snuck in here and had been waiting for him, but the nasty brute didn't immediately appear to taunt him.

Slowly understanding dawned on Filch. He leaned on the desk and picked up the discarded wand. Then he adjusted his grip to conform to the correct position, as taught in his kwikspell course, and pointed it at the papers lying on the floor.

"_Wingardium Leviosa_," he pronounced carefully, while flicking the wand in the prescribe manner.

One of the pages floated off the floor and hovered above his desk.

Filch was so stunned his mouth hung open and he forgot to keep moving the wand. The page flopped back down. 

Students passing in the hallway outside his office on their way to lunch heard a mad crackling noise, something like a rusty train going fast over a bumpy track. If they had recognised it as Filch's laughter, they probably would have run.

After the early excitement of throwing pages and books around his office, Filch's eyes narrowed as a thought took control of his mind.

"Peeves," he said to himself. A nasty grin usually only seen by students caught out of bed at night curled his lip.

Quickly he left his office and headed out into the school. He had been searching for only a few minutes when Peeves appeared and pulled a rug out from under his feet.

"What toy you got there?" it asked, seeing the brightly sparkling wand in Filches hand. "Have you stolen a Fairy godmothers wand then, Flichy pilchy?" he leered, floating above Filch.  
"She'll be ever so angry when she finds you! Maybe she'll turn you into a pumpkin!"

"_Waddiwasi_," yelled Filch pointing the wand at the little man's head.

Immediately Peeves grabbed his face and screamed!

"Ouch!" he yelled.

"_Waddiwas_i," yelled Filch, again pointing the wand.

"ARRRGHHH. STOP IT," screamed Peeves in pain. Then he turned and flew away.

Filch laughed delightedly and gave chase.

Through corridors and classrooms he chased Peeves, throwing the spell at every opportunity. Occasionally Peeves would yelp in pain and grab his behind as one of the spells hit.

Finally Peeves crashed through the doors into the dining room, where most of the students where eating their lunch, and stopped in the middle of the room, seemingly trapped.

Panting with exertion, Filch raced in, wand still held out in front.

"_Waddiwasi_," he screamed pointing the wand at Peeves who was floating near the roof grinning.

Nothing happened.

All around him students stopped talking as they turned to look. The room plunged into a deathly silence.

"_Waddiwasi_," he screamed again standing on his tiptoes and stretching the wand as high as he could reach, its ridiculous bright pink star shining brightly.

Still nothing happened except Peeves grinned wider than should have been possible.

Near Filch, a student let a giggle escape.

Suddenly the room was filled with a roar as hundreds of children laughed at the ludicrous sight of Filch standing between the tables with a fairy godmother wand pointed high in the air.

Filch turned and ran from the room, Peeves chasing after him pelting him with food grabbed off a table. It would be days before Filch would walk the halls during daylight hours, and weeks before he regained the students fear.

Behind a painting of a lavishly set dinner table, two red headed boys looked through a small spy hole that was disguised as an apple.

"That went rather well I think," said Fred.

"Indeed, brother, but I am surprised Peeves managed to pull off faking the Leviosa spell so well," replied George smiling.

"Yes, he normally does have the concentration span of a gnat, but he was rather motivated I think."

Then two finely manicured, feminine hands unexpectedly gripped their shoulders from behind, and a stern woman's voice said, "I think you two had better come with me."

Days later Fred and George were on their knees, once again scrubbing the dining room floor using nothing more than a couple of worn, old, brushes.

"It's not that I disagree with the punishment," said George, "but I wish she hadn't made us give the money back too."

His brother grunted in agreement, and they went back to scrubbing.

**Finite Incantatem**


End file.
